“I’m not addicted to social media, I just have a healthy relationship with my internet friends.”

“If your life was a story, your social media would be the highlight reel and bloopers combined.”

“I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but nobody has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.”

“My fitness goals? To be able to lift my phone with one hand for an entire scrolling session.”

“My life is like a romantic comedy, minus the romance and just a lot of comedy.”

“I always pretend to be shocked when I see my own face on the front camera.”

“I think my guardian angel drinks coffee to stay awake while watching over me.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, my internet connection is shaky, but my memes are still true.”

“Can’t decide if I need a hug or more followers. Maybe both?”

“They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I guess I’m just self-medicating on social media.”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I would probably hire someone to spend that money for me.”

“I just realized why my plants keep dying. They need social media to stay alive and I’m not providing that.”

“I’m so broke that I’ve started taking screenshots of shopping carts to pretend I’m treating myself.”

“I follow a strict diet: pictures of food without actually eating any of it.”

“Remember, if someone unfollows you, it’s their loss because they’ll miss out on all your epic bathroom mirror selfies.”

“Living life by the three ‘F’ rule: Food, Friends, and Funny Animal Videos.”

“The best thing about being a trendsetter is that people think I’m cool, but really I’m just too lazy to follow trends.”

“I’d be lying if I said my internet search history wasn’t 90% made up of random facts and celebrity gossip.”

“The speed at which my phone dies is directly proportional to the importance of the conversation I’m having.”

“Just because my charger is always in my hand doesn’t mean I’m addicted to my phone. It means I’m committed to my relationships.”

“I may not be a genius, but at least my selfies are always on point.”

“I spend 80% of my life staring at screens and the other 20% trying to remember where I put my glasses.”

“Sometimes I think I’m hilarious, then I remember I have to explain my jokes to my friends.”

“In a world full of filters, I’m just trying to be authentically sarcastic.”