“Don’t be a salad, be the best-damn vegetable you can be.”

“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“People say I have no filter. Clearly, they haven’t met my coffee maker.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I’m not a gym rat, I’m more of a pizza rat.”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”

“I don’t snore, I dream of being a motorcycle.”

“I may be a hot mess, but at least I’m a hilarious one.”

“I’m not bossy; I just have better ideas.”

“I’m not clumsy; it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“I’m 99% angel, but that 1%… forget it.”

“I may not be perfect, but my dog thinks I’m awesome.”

“If you can’t say anything nice, say it sarcastically.”

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.”

“Please excuse my mood, I left my patience at home today.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the sassiest of them all?”

“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesomeness.”

“I don’t need anger management; I just need everyone to stop pissing me off.”

“Dear life, can you please stop giving me lemonade? I’m allergic to citrus.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for a higher purpose.”

“You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not a jar of Nutella.”