“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I would agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!”

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.”

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”

“I wanted to lose weight, so I went jogging every morning. I ran for like 10 seconds – and then I joined a gym.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.”

“The trouble with saying ‘the sky’s the limit’ is that it’s a bit misleading after you’ve been to space.”

“I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.”

“If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.”

“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone.”

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“The first rule of OCD Club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules.”

“I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything!”