“I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.”

“I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.”

“I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.”

“You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not a taco.”

“I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.”

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.”

“I’m not stubborn, I’m just always right.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than most people.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.”

“I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”

“I don’t have a bad memory, I just remember awkward things at awkward times.”

“I’m not 40, I’m 18 with 22 years of experience.”

“The only exercise I do is running out of patience.”

“I don’t need a vacation, I just need a new paycheck.”

“I don’t argue, I just explain why I’m right.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity.”

“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just upgrading my selective hearing.”

“I don’t make mistakes, I create opportunities to learn.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.”