“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… she gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.” – Unknown

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.” – Bill Murray

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” – Albert Einstein

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep—not screaming, like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx

“Haters are like mosquitoes. Annoying, but eventually, you just gotta slap ’em.” – Unknown

“Having small children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

“I’m not scared of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“The first step is admitting you have a problem. Unless your problem is that you’re a nerd. In that case, never admit it!” – Unknown

“Be a voice, not an echo.” – Albert Einstein

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Nelson Mandela

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill

“If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission.” – Anonymous

“The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” – Dalai Lama

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” – Steve Jobs

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese Proverb