“If nothing goes right, go left.”

“Life is too short to be taken seriously; laugh at yourself!”

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls are all standing in my way.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“My patience is like a rubber band – it only stretches so far before it snaps.”

“I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off.”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”

“I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.”

“I don’t make mistakes, I date them.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”

“If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.”

“I’m not a complete idiot – some parts are missing.”

“I may be small, but I’ve got a big personality.”

“Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain, but it allows us to keep going.”

“I’m sorry, did you mistake me for someone who cares?”

“My life is a constant battle between my love for food and not wanting to get fat.”

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”

“I don’t need a therapist, I have my cat.”

“I don’t need a hairstyle, my pillow gives me a new one every morning.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m conserving energy for when it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just a gravity enthusiast.”

“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”

“I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized.”

“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”

“If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is hire someone to answer stupid questions like this.”

“I may be crazy, but at least I’m not boring.”

“I’m not arguing with you; I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”